The True Voldy Diaries
by Chicken Chow Mein
Summary: Ever wonder what was in Lord Voldemort's private diary/horcrux? Well now you can find out! Tee hee!
1. Voldy and The Qman take Hogwarts!

De Authoress' note: _Ok, so I was looking for just a small little parody of Harry Potter to entertain me for a short time and I couldn't find anything to my liking so I decided to write my own. And I tried to think of what I would be most likely to make fun of and the chamber of secrets came to mind because it is my least favorite in the series. So I thought of what was in the 2nd book and I was reminded of Tom Riddle's diary and a thought crossed me...wouldn't it be interesting if Voldemort wrote like a school girl in his diary? Though, from that thought I concluded it would only be right that I start said diary from the happenings of book one. And Wuh-lah! The Voldy Diaries were born. Granted I took some HUGE liberties with Voldemort's character...and it may not be completely accurate seeing as I haven't read the first few books in quite some time...but this was mainly to amuse myself. It is fanfiction, right? If you like it, you like it. If you don't, you don't. (But if you do...read and review! Please and thanks!!)_

Disclaimer note: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT. He and all his magical and non magical companions belong to the very talented J.K. Rowling...

**The Voldy Diaries: Year One**

Dear Horcrux Diary,

You'll never guess where I am! Hogwarts!!!! Yeah, I know, _tooooootally_ unexpected. Whoever wrote that song with the lyrics "high school never ends" seriously _wasn't_kidding. Drats, who was that? Oh well doesn't matter, it's just going to be in my head all day now. Whateves. Speaking of heads, I'm sharing one with this guy Quirrell. Apparently he was one of my minions way back in the day and now he's a professor at Hogwarts! Small world, right? I'm kind of embarrassed though because I don't really remember him. I'd like to say I remember **_ALL_** my minions, but you know, it's just so _hard_. I mean, there's all those faces and their always off doing my bidding, killing all those muggles and such. It's just so hard to keep track! Plus I think he's hard to remember because he was one of those quiet guys

...you know...

the ones that kind of just hang out with your group and you don't really mind because they don't really do much to bug you and they laugh ever so often at your jokes or say something relevant and you go "ok, this kid isn't so bad"? ...yeah that kind of guy. But it made the reunion and me asking to share his soul and body kind of awkward. Actually he's dictating these thoughts into this diary right now so... it's kind of awkward again.

...so...

I'm gonna go with him to his first class. Merlin's beard, can you _believe_ I'm sitting in on a class? It'll be like reliving my glory days when I ruled the school. I was the man.

Evily,

Voldemort

P.S. Quirrell said the song was by Bowling For Soup. See? Totally one of those quiet guys with the relevant comments! ...whoops. 'nother awkward moment.

* * *

Dear Horcrux Diary,

Ugh. Can't believe the Potter brat lived. I actually saw him today. Ok, so I didn't _see_him because my face was in Quirrell's turban thing, but I heard him and Quirrell just said it was **so**him. (Though I felt his presence way before this. I may be just a face on a head, but I still got the magic juice. C'mon! They don't call me "The Dark Lord" for nothing!) Double boo hiss! Just one more thing for me to do on my rise to power.

Rise to Power List:

Get Body

Kill Potter

Rule World

It seems simple now, but I mean these are just general things. The final one's going to be _waaaaay_more complex and detailed. But hey, gotta start somewhere right? Oh wait...I was going to put "get Sorcerer's stone" in there...shoot. Ok, revised version:

Rise to Power List:

Get Sorcerer's Stone

Get Body

Get the Death Eater Crew together for some good old fashion fun

Kill Potter

Rule World

Yessss, I'm liking that one a lot better. Though I didn't put in much time for R&R...I'll fit that in later.

Even more Evily than last time,

Voldemort

* * *

Dear Horcrux Diary,

So that Quirrell guy is pretty rad. Get this: It's Halloween and he goes to me "Hey Dark Lord...you want to have a treat and pull a trick on all the kiddies here." (Yeah, he's so witty, btw. It's nice to have an educated fellow to talk to ever so often. _**Way**_better than that Lucious Malfoy guy. He's sooooo superficial. That guy needs to spend less time in front of a mirror and more time killing muggles, if you catch my drift. I mean, c'mon. His hair is nicer than his wife's. That's sad.)

So I go "Dude...dude, totally. I am SO DOWN. What have you got in mind?"

And he says "Sire, I saw this troll just looking to smash up some students."

And I said "Oh man....**let's do** **it.**"

So then we bewitched this UGLY thing into Hogwarts and he's slouching around the halls somewhere just waiting to stir some things up. Oh man, it's gonna be sooooooo good. I can't _wait_. Also, I think I'm gonna give Quirrell a nickname. I'm thinking the Q-man. Awesome, the Q-man just gave me a thumbs up.

A Very Evil Halloween,

Voldemort

* * *

Dear H. Diary,

So. **Pissed.**

Potter stopped the troll. What a betch.

_Must_ he ruin everything for me?

Feeling less evil,

Voldemort

* * *

Dear Horcrux Diary,

It's been a while since I've wrote in you. I guess the last Potter escapade had me down in the dumps and not feeling much like writing. My bad. It's just so hard to do things when you're not feeling like your 100% evil self. Though my spirits are up because I'm going to go see (well, be in the presence of) a Quidditch match between Slytherin and Gryffindor and I'm certain my House of Slytherin brethren will smash those goody two shoe Gryffindors to a pulp. Better yet, I hear Potter is on the Gryffindorks team and I'm hoping Q-man and I can get some bludgers to rough him up, perhaps kill him if we're lucky, and make it look like an accident. I'm keeping my figurative fingers crossed!!

In all elated evilness,

Voldemort

* * *

Dear H. Diary,

So. Pissed. _**Again.**_

My house **lost**. Potter won it for the Gryffindorks. Now he looks like even more of a hero.

My life _**SUCKS.**_

Enragedly Evil,

Voldemort

P.S. Quirrell lost his nickname for screwing up the curse on Potter's broom. Not cool man. _Not_ cool.

* * *

Dear Horcrux Diary,

Not liking the little chit chat Snape had with me and Quirrell at the edge of the Forbidden Forest today. Can't he just let a man-with-the-greatest-evil-wizard-there-ever-was-on-the-back-of-his-head live their life in _peace_? But nooooooo, he had to go play 20 questions over our interest in the Sorcerer's stone. Geez! That guy is just too Nosey! Ha, get it? Nosey...cause of Snape's huge schnoz? Whatever. Quirrell laughed at it.

Anywho, maybe we are being a little too careless in our efforts if Snape is noticing things. Perhaps I'm slipping...Quirrell said I should lay off the unicorn's blood, it's making me a bit loopy seeing as I'm talking a lot to myself. **A*^#&TH////\\\**In case you're wondering about the random letters and symbols, I just mentally punished Quirrell for that unicorn blood and crazy talking to myself/horcrux comment. That was his attempt at being funny.

Only the Dark Lord gets to put puns in this diary.

Evily,

Voldemort

* * *

Dear Horcrux Diary,

**_SOMEONE_**is being a little touchy these days. All I wanted to do was go into the forest for some good old life sustaining unicorn blood, but Quirrell was all "_I_don't think it's a good idea. People are on to us. Blah blah bladity blah!" Want to know what _I _think? I think if _**SOME**_ people didn't make such a **BIG DEAL** about little things, then **_SOME_**stupid little brats wouldn't get all suspicious and then find **ONE VERY GREAT DARK LORD** having some freaking refreshing unicorn blood!

Great Quirrell. Just **Great**. Now they totally know I'm like around and after the Sorcerer's Stone. **WAY TO BLOW MY COVER. GEEZ!** Ugh. Why doesn't anything go my way?

Denied of evilness,

Voldemort

P.S. Quirrell promised he would make it up to me...so I guess we're like...cool. For now.

* * *

Dear Horcrux Diary,

Tonights the night! Quirrell and I have it all planned out. I've got the talent, coordination, and strategic genius so the music playing, broom flying, and chess playing we'll be able to breeze through. And Quirrell's a total nerd so he'll get us through all the easy book smart stuff. So from there it's just grab the stone and peace. And if Potter and his buddies come along we'll just bash their little faces in with our kick ass magic. Eternal life is practically in my hands! What could possibly go wrong?

Most excitedly evil,

Voldemort

P.S. Can you believe next time I write in you I could possibly have a new body? EXCITINGGGG!!

**END.**

Spoiler Alert: A lot goes wrong. BWAHAHAHAHAHA. If anyone likes this I might do another...Read & Review....


	2. Voldy, The Diary, one in the same

_De Authoress' Note: I can't believe that I actually tricked people into liking the first chapter of this fanfic!! I believe Voldemort's evilness is rubbing off on me! HUZZAH! Also, I've renamed the story from "The Voldy Diaries" to "The True Voldy Diaries"...because I just found out that there was already a fanfic posted with the original title. But as Voldemort would like me to state, these are his TRUE thoughts. ;-) Anyway, for all of you imperioed into reading more, enjoy! Oh and thank you for the nice comments!_

Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with the wonderful world of Harry Potter and the characters who live in it. That is all claimed by the wonderful J..

**The True Voldy Diaries: Year Two**

Dear ...er...me,

I must admit this is a little weird, my soul being my actual _diary_ and all. It's kinda like my mind is thinking in diary form--I feel like a daytime teen drama...oh well I guess I must settle for this for now. I mean, I **_MIGHT'VE_** had a **BODY**by now if damned Quirrell had done his _job_ and not let that stinking Potter foil my plans once **again**. Seriously though, does that kid have nothing _BETTER_to do with his life? Why doesn't he get a hobby like...uh...start some secret club with his sniveling friends...or kill some muggles....or whatever kids do these days...

This just goes to show that you can't rely on someone _ELSE_to do your dirty work. Or at least not someone so incompetent who must argue with your every ingenious scheme, saying stupid things like "But my dark lord, I don't see how we'll get the sorcerer's stone if we don't know the secrets to the mirror of Erised...perhaps we should learn more before we enact our plan?"

BAH. Stupid Quirrell, what does he know anyway? He's _dead._

Oh well, there's more minions where he came from. I just hope Lucious Malfoy puts down the bottle of extra strength shampoo and conditioner long enough to get my Horcrux diary into Hogwarts so I can enact "Operation Rise to Power via COS"...hmmm that sounds too long even though I shortened Chamber of Secrets. What about "Operation Kickass Snake"?...yessss....yes I like that much better. It kind of slithers off the tongue. Haha, I still have it with the puns.

Forever Evil,

Voldemort

P.S. Maybe I should start signing my name as Tom Riddle so as not to give the game away to whoever reads this...although the entries disappear right after they're written...Sweet Nivane, I really am starting to talk to myself...

* * *

Dear Wonderfully Evil Me,

I feel as if my leather binded self has switched over from Lucious Malfoy's smooth lotioned hands (seriously, that guy is so metro) to the sweaty nervous palms of a teenage witch. If I could, I would high five that perfectly groomed man right now. (Though thankfully I cannot.) Although I wish I knew more of what the kids found cool today so I could seep deeply into this witch's confidences.

I do remember something about a band called N'Sync on the MTV network Quirrell would sometimes pass over. I did enjoy them. Their catchy tunes and rhythms would take over my mind and torture me for the entirety of an afternoon.

It was quite evil.

Maybe I shall recruit them when I once again rise to power. _WHICH_ I am feeling rather positive about at the moment.

Evily,

Tom Riddle

* * *

Dear Ginny,

Hello! I hear your problems about your family. I never liked mine either because they never paid me much attention. Don't worry too much about it though, they'll regret it in the long run. _Trust me._ As for the boy problems, just date someone else or pay something else more attention. It'll fill the boy you really like with rage and jealousy and make you look more desirable. It totally worked for me on this girl Trixie. I focused completely on my work and ignored her and she got so upset. Then she just started following me around like a devoted min—I mean lovesick puppy.

Anyway, if you have any more problems, I'm here to...help. Think of me as your "partner in pain".

By the way, have you heard about the band N'Sync?_ Love_ their stuff.

Always listening,

Tom Riddle

* * *

Dear Ginny,

That's hilarious about your brother's wand. Belching slugs. Haha. What an idiot. And yes, that Malfoy boy does sound like a git calling your friend names. I imagine he gets that from his pansy of a father. They can't do anything right.

Er—anyway, how's it like being a Gryffindor? I once heard they act all friendly like a "family" and talk about things other than how great it is to be of pure wizarding blood—and um, have study parties in front of the fire. Which is kind of lame, but I guess cool if you like good grades and all.

You know what you should have? A Dawson's Creek viewing party. From what you tell me, that show sounds far more interesting than school work. By the way, could you tell me more about that boy Pacey breaking up the soul mates Joey and Dawson by taking Joey for his greedy self and totally crushing Dawson's puny heart? He sounds like one bad dude. And by bad, I mean a "hottie". That's the right term for the male dominant character right?

As always, I'm here,

Tom Riddle

* * *

Dear Ginny,

You're so right. Life is tough. You know what would be good for you? To get your mind off of everything. Just let it space outttttttttt.

Yes, just give in to the comfort of my words.

**Excellent.**

Now what you _REALLY_ should do, is go on an adventure. You know, something epic that will get all of those people_ ignoring_you to finally take notice. Lucky for you I have just the thing! There's this bathroom with a secret entrance in the sink which you open with some magic words. It's totally rad. Go there. Then after that we can write some little diddy on a wall and let everyone know of how cool you are. Only we won't tell them it's you, we'll say it's the "Heir of Slytherin". That way you can be all mysterious—which is totally even cooler.

Girl, you're going to be more well known then that Brittney Spears you keep jabbering about. Now get along little witchy!

Your Partner in Pain,

Tom Riddle

* * *

Dear Ginny,

Your house won another game...and against Slytherin. How..._wonderful_. Oh? And the Slytherin team even had better brooms than the Gryffindor team? ...just...great. Malfoy probably should've bought them skill and brains instead of new shinny things. What a nitwit. What utter disgraces to the name Salazar Slytherin. Ahem, anyway, tell me more about this Harry Potter boy almost dying because of a crazy bludger?

Oh my. How delightfully _**dreadful**_—I mean in a dramatic sort of way. Quite exciting. Yes...so then the dumb new defense against the dark arts teacher turned his broken arm into jello, did he? How delicious—not his pain. Oh no, I was thinking of the desert Jello when I said that. Quite delicious. Especially the red kind.

Sounds like your school year is quite interesting indeed. I hope we can only make it even more interesting...speaking of...zoneeee outttt. You zoned? Good. You know that giant snake thing we sort of let out of the Chamber of Secrets? Well, you don't mind letting him know to go kill some more mudbloods for me, do you? I would myself, but I'm just terribly inconvenienced at the moment and if you could do this one little thing I would be super grateful. Plans are just taking longer than I thought and you know how it is when you just feel like nothing is going your way, right? _**So**_ the situation. It's like I'm in limbo here.

Oh, you will? You're such a good minion—I mean...frie—ew no. Um, Partner. :-)

_Totally_ here for when you need something,

Tom Riddle

* * *

Ginny,

What was this about Potter being the heir to Slytherin? FIGURES. He WOULD get my name and glory. I mean, er, since he's so famous they would think he would be associated with that name of glory. My silly wording gets muddled sometimes, my bad. Anyway, don't worry, I don't think he has what it takes to be heir. You need to be rooted in evil, have little care for people in your way, fully enjoy the pain and suffering of others, nurture a hatred for all that is good and happy, spitefully hide your issues of the past that no amount of therapy can help all the while pretending like you're just some badass dude but am clearly reaching out for some understanding, like snakes, and be drop dead (emphasis on dead) gorgeous.

All qualities I'm sure Harry Potter does not posses. So don't worry. His ability to speak Parseltongue is clearly just some odd coincidence that will undoubtedly make dark lord's lives all the harder. Speaking of, relax your mind a minute, you wouldn't mind doing me another favor, would you? If you could find it in your totally stressful life to maybe let my snake friend know to kill a few more people, that would be great. Ooo wait, brainstorm! Have him try to kill that justin-who-cares-hufflepuff guy that Potter tried to save from that snake. Though I don't like the idea of him being thought of as heir continuing, I do enjoy evil plotting to ruin his good name. Ahahaha—ahem.

Good luck on that potions test! Snape's a hardass. That's what I like about him.

Your Partner in Pain,

Tom Riddle

* * *

Dear ME,

**FRICK!**Just when you think things are going swimmingly, you end up swimming in a toilet bowl! (Aha, even though I'm down, my humorous wordplay never ceases to amuse me.) That damned Weasly girl got all skittish after doing just a _bit_ of my bidding and thought flushing my diary self would solve everything. Teenagers these days! Only following through for a couple of months until things get a little hard and then they run away like a little girl! **_Quirrell_**at least lasted a whole year of which I was feeding off his soul! Hmph, he was a real man unlike this Ginny. If I was the sentimental type, I would sort of miss that guy.

Oh well, I shant let it get me down in the dumps. She did help a little and things are falling into place. Not to mention, that my unfortunate placement of the toilet led me to the one and only Harry Potter. I wonder if I can get him to do things for me...Hmmm...Maybe I could just suck out his soul and kill him before I'm ever revived. Oh man would that be a time saver! Unfortunately we've only had like one conversation which I totally fooled him into thinking that oaf Hagrid opened the Chamber of Secrets. Oh how spreading deceit and suspicion brings me joy! Anyway, it's quite the laughable idea. Hagrid, opening the chamber. But hey, that one got me out of a bind in the past, hopefully it's useful again this time.

We shall see what happens...

Still Evil,

Voldemort

* * *

Dear Me,

Ok...nothing seems to be happening. **Damnit.**That Potter boy is incredibly BORING. If it weren't for me and my evil plans stirring things up, his life would be insufferably ordinary. EW. In fact, I make things so interesting they should probably write a series of books about my evil doings. Of which would be sold world wide, enjoyed by all ages, and gross millions and millions of dollars. They could call it "Voldemort and His Reign of Terror".

Yessss...an extraordinary idea...

But knowing my luck they would probably base it around that Potter brat. Probably make it into some sob story about how he just wanted to be a normal boy but he got influenced by my awesomeness. BOO HOO! Ugh, they'd probably even name it after him. "Harry Potter and His Accidental Ruining of All the Great Dark Lord's Plans"...though I'm sure they'd shorten it to something catchier. Can't see that being a best seller. THANKFULLY.

Anywho, I'm straying away from my original thoughts. The Weasly girl. I need her back to actually get things done. I'll try using the impression my soul has made upon her to influence a break into Potter's things and steal me back. Yessss....very good. Sounds like a best selling book plot twist to me!

Ever Evily,

Voldemort

P.S. It's totally working. I can feel her getting near. Awesome.

* * *

Dear Ginny,

So glad to be back in your company. I did dearly miss our chats and was quite upset to be flushed from your life. (Haha) But all can be forgiven soon enough. The first step of course being to tell me what happened last on Dawson's Creek. Last we spoke Pacey was less bad and more loving, please inform me of this change.

Ahhh...so he broke up with Joey. Good. She was only holding back. **Moving on!**

You must pay a little visit to the Chamber. It's terribly dirty and my Basilisk is expecting company soon. Be a doll and tidy it up for me. After all, it is your crush Harry Potter who'll be making the visit, seeing as I suspect he has figured out the secrets of the whereabouts of the Chamber by now. (Don't know who the brains of his operation are, but I could use them on my side...Lucious Malfoy is too shallow to have ever concentrated on strengthening his mind. Can't say much for the rest of them either...Crabbe...Goyle...Useless imbeciles.) Oh and one more thing! Make sure to send an invitation to the boy. I'm thinking another writing on the wall this time in your blood. Perhaps something poetic like "Her skeleton will lie in the Chamber forever." Yesss...beautiful.

Chip chop now!

Once again, your partner in pain,

Vold----uh....Tom Riddle

* * *

Dear Emperor of Evil aka ME,

Everything is going so smoothly! Geez, I was a little worried there when Ginny timed out, but everything is back on course. Looks like even the thwarted catch a break every once in a while. Now all I have to do is wait and have the Basilisk rip Harry Potter to shreds. It will feel so nice to have one of my "to dos" finally crossed off my Rise to Power list. Then maybe I can focus on a new body. Should be easy with that annoying Potter brat not fowling up my every move. Maybe I'll even spend some extra time on the search. Get a nice sculpted vessel with abs. Got to look hot and menacing for all the peeps to think I'm a cool dude they can totally follow. I'll be the evilest trend setter there ever was! TAKE THAT PARIS HILTON!

Anywho, things are, to say the least, looking up. I can almost smell my victory.

Oh snap. That's actually Potter coming in the chambers now. G2G! Will write later!

Evily,

Voldemort

* * *

Dear Diary,

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

**THE END.**

_End note: Bahahaha, if you've seen the movie or read the book, you know what his last entry means. Voldemort=FAIL. Though this is a problem for me as well because with Voldemort's destruction is the destruction of his horcrux diary...hmmmm....We'll see what I can do. Although I have one other problem: the lack of Voldemort in the third book. Should I make up events in the time of his absence? Or skip to year four? Thoughts? Reviews welcomeee!!_

Side Note: The reference of Nivane by Voldemort is to the stories of Merlin and Camelot. Since The Potter people seem to like the phrase "Merlin's beard" I thought the evil guy would reference the witch who killed/imprisoned Merlin in the stories aka Nivane. (She is also referred to as Viviane, Niniane, Nimueh, Lady of the Lake, etc.)


End file.
